


We Have A... Uh, Mice Problem

by B_Uthoughtwrong



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Mostly Gen, Reader-Insert, kitten centric, they are ALL WAYNES FIGHT ME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-30 20:49:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13959741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Uthoughtwrong/pseuds/B_Uthoughtwrong
Summary: So Jason saw a box of kittens, and then Damian caught him cooing at them, and then they made Tim promise not to tell how they were stealing all the milk for them, and then Dick sighed when a kitten meowed her way into his heart, and then Alfred helped them hide the fur balls, and I was appalled I was the last to know about this because I love animals, and now we have a house full of kittens named Patches, Peaches, Armegadon, Emperor, Roley, Samn, Zoanna, and Bob, and please don't be mad.





	We Have A... Uh, Mice Problem

**Author's Note:**

> SO MANY TYPOS  
> I AM SORRY

> ~~_Wow okay my friend read this story and drew this so here you go, bless up_~~.

It was a time of weakness.

At least that was what played over and over in Jason's mind as he looked regretfully at the brown box of baby cats. He had his hand on his mouth and his eyes narrowed. The black one made a sound and he huffed. Okay, maybe he only had a _tiny_ bit of regret in the black hole that was his warmed heart. He crouched down and observered the slow reactions of the kittens and scoffed, turning away and jolting back up.

_Gosh, what the hell do kittens eat?_

He walked off into the kitchen as he recalled walking down the park and finding the animals helplessly roaring to be taken away by a responsible owner. And yes, Jason was---- _sorry_ \-- **is** , _is_ channeling his inner superhero by being that said responsible person. He pulled the fridge door open as if he was about to walk into some gangster club or something, and placed his hands on his hips. "Kitten food..." he mumbled to himself and suddenly spoted a jar of outrageously expensive sardines. He raised his upper lip in disgust and sighed, pursing his lips after, "Thank you Dick for being a disgusting human."

 

> ~~_Ooooh look there's another one, hi_ ~~

He was on the floor, sprawled on his chest. He pushed forward two shallow bowls of sardines and water as the kittens danced around the room, slowly sensing the food laid out for them. Jason propped elbows down and his head on his hands. It was good they were all hungry that he didn't have to run around trying to gather them. The same cute, black kitten caught his eye as then the silly little thing accidentally dunked its face too deep into the water, causing it to pull back and faux sneeze.

He giggled and gave the tiny animal a nod, "The struggle is real, bro."

Jason pulled the same particular kitten away after it got a good share of chum. And this particular kitten he seemed to be particularly fond of had emerald eyes and white regions on its coat. "I'll name you," he stroked the brigde of the nose of the kitten, "Patches."

As Jason was particularly fond of Patches, Patches seemed to be particularly fond of a solid black, poofy furred kitten sibling. Jason agreed (with himself) that that other particular cat looked like a Peaches. Just as he looked between the other teacups, he was summoned by a voice, quickly making him panicky. "Okay, uh, Patches, Peaches, _and others,_ I got to go, so, uh, _stay."_

 

Surprisingly, it was fundamentally easy to keep the fur balls hidden from the rest of the people living in the Manor. Jason, however knew that was suspicious, and as it turns, they were only too weak to be handfuls and now that he's loaded them up with burritos and pizza---at first, _come on,_ cut him some slack it was hard to sneak around when your family was sneaky (he eventually bought some legitimate kitten food anyway)--they eventually sprang into life and became the root of his migranes. But to be fair to the mighty prancers, he did also think Damian was a breathing migrane.

_Speaking of Damian..._

"What are you doing?!" the boy spoke, causing Jason, on his chest once again, to flinch and freeze. Damian was uncertain about the surprise in the tone he gave out. Was he surprised that Jason, _Jason Wayne,_ had a box of unpermited kittens in his room? Or, was he surprised that Jason, _Jason Wayne,_ was making baby voices at them? Damian stepped into the room and narrowed his eyes, supposing it was both but more on the latter.

"When did this happen?"

Jason defensively countered, "Why do you care? And who said you're allowed in my room?!"

"I was investigating the rapid deplesion of sardines, wondering who would dare while Dick was gone, and have swiftly concluded my case." Damian bent down and found himself the target of a particular kitten. The white and brown patched kitten bowed and perked its bottom up and gracelessly attempted to pounce on Damian's lowered knee as if it were practicing hunting. It... _he/she_ uncoordiatedly pat _his/her_ paw as if it were striking him and the boy smiled at it. "I like this one."

"Stop cooing."

"Says the one who was caught amidst **intense** cooing."

"...you will speak nothing to no one."

_"That's a double negative."_

"I will cut you, Damian."

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever. I'm naming this one, Jason." Damian picked up the... female kitten and pursed his lips in a small smile. "I shall call you Armegadon. Wreak havoc and destroy, girl."

Damian's interest and words were nonverbal indications that Jason was not so dead meat, He cocked his head to the side, "It's a girl?"

The younger one raised his brows and nodded his head. "Well, you're utterly useless, now, aren't you." Jason punched his shoulder, causing him to whine and punch him back. Jason glared at him but sighed, deciding it would never end if he punched the pea brain harder. After Jason, quickly catching on and assessing gender, he silently found that both Patches and Peaches were both boys.

"This one's Emperor." Damian stated as he raised the kitten up like Simba.

Jason chuckled, _"Lame."_

"What did you name the rest of them?"

"I haven't named them all but this one's Peaches, and this is his best bro Patches." he pointed at the kittens repectively.

"... and you're saying _I'm_ lame."

"Ha, what kind of moron names a kitten Armegadon?" Jason muttered in annoyance. Mostly he was annoyed he didn't think of naming them something as cool as that... but Armegadon _is_ totally lame though.

"Are you honestly saying Patches and Peaches is the coolest name you could muster up?" Damian gave a half amused face as he gathered the kittens up to his chest. "Psssh, I haven't even named all of them, dinkle-brain."

"Whatever. You suck."

 

And so through bickering and occasional brief fist fights, Jason and Damian conspired with each other and ended up emptying and entire gallon of milk within a week after discovering the kittens both liked and were in need of it. That's when Tim got annoyed that he had nothing to put in his cereal and kicked down the doors to Jason's room and had his jaw dropped at the sight before him.

"You two've been thieving on milk... _for them?"_ Tim gasped like some soap-opera mistress, undecidedly offended (?) that all his milk was being slurped up by... by a buncha cute, tiny kittens (?). Was this an offense in his character? Because, I mean, he too could consume a gallon of milk in a week. Did that mean he was equivalent to eight baby cats?

"You two are _so_ dead when I tell dad." Tim mumbled, puffing out air from his cheeks.

"No don't tell father!" Damian raised his hands up and Jason perked up with slightly wide eyes.

"You know he's going to give me another talk about drinking too much milk. How else am I going to get another if--" Suddenly, Tim's watch started buzzing. He turned to his brothers and gave a look that made them both return a wary one. "What's up? No, I know what's up but... No. I did do it. Yeah, I'll be right there." he spoke to his watch, or more accurately to Bruce, who was his contact on the other end. Tim slowly turned to Jason and Damian. "Hey dad, I have something to tell you."

Their hearts stopped.

"Yeah, uh-" Tim started but stopped himself when Jason suddenly blurted out, "I'll let you name three kittens."

That's when he made a lame excuse and put his contact away.

 

"I disown you." said Jason

Tim chuckled and shrugged, "What? It's a good name!" It was 12 am and Tim had gotten back from the mission thier dad called him about. Jason was, of couse, still wide awake, while Damian opted to be sensible and slept a solid four hours ago.

"I swear, if Damian was still awake, he'd butcher you for calling this one," a solid cocoa colored kitten, "Samn, with a silent n," he pointed to a solid grey colored kitten, "and this one Zoanna!"

Tim threw his head back in laughter, fully amused. _"Deal with it, Jason."_

"Whatever, pea brain," Jason scoffed and ruffled his brother's already mess and shined and drooped heavily with sweat hair up. Jason didn't mind getting his hand wet with it. "Just don't tell dad."

"Of course not, loser."

 

But the next day, Dick came back from a long mission and was enraged by the lack of sardines. Of course he kicked down Jason's door, almost literally actually.

And yes.

If something went missing...

...it's **_always_** Jason.

 _"Ohmygosh,_ I can't believe you formed a kitten cult in the span of the nine days I was gone!"

Unanimously, Jason, Damian, and Tim shushed the insensitive knuckle head that dared to awake the napping kittens. Dick huffed and placed his hands on his hips. "I cannot believe you guys think this is okay!"

"Shut up and name the last kitten." Jason whisper-yelled uninterested and he looked through the new issue of Gears & Oil.

Dick raised his brows skeptically, "If you think if I name them it's going to change the fact you fed these kittens my sardines, well then you have another--" "Dude, just name the cat!" Tim spoke annoyed as he eyed his older brother.

"Yeah. Just do it, _dude."_ Damian taunted.

Dick nodded his head in disagreement, mumbling something about being _the only responsible person in this damn house_ and walking towards the litter of kittens. He bent down and smiled softly at the sight, huffing. "Which one?"

"That one." Jason pointed absent-mindedly.

"This?" Dick pointed as Jason turned and nodded. "No, that's Roley."

"Roley?"

"Yeah, it's derived from Rolex," Damian explained.

Dick knit his brows, "And what about Rolex?"

Tim lazily skimmed through his newsfeed and replied, "He broke a Rolex."

_"A Rolex?"_

The three others nodded.

"He broke a--- Wh-... _how?"_

"Don't ask." Jason sighed, finally turning to his brother. Dick knit his brows deeply and nodded in disagreement, "No, Jason, tell-" "No, just name t-" "Jaso-" _"No."_ Tim blurted out, making Dick snap his head to him. _" **No**."_ Damian agreed. Dick huffed, _"Fine."_

Tim stood up and caught the nameless pure white kitten and gave it to his brother. Dick pulled his head back and fell on his butt trying to gently keep the creature from... _breaking_ (?)

Tim chuckled and Damian nodded in disagreement.

"Richard, he's a kitten not china."

Dick pursed his lips and then broke into a smile. "He's kinda cute." He then cooed at the little thing. Jason smirked smugly and attempted to pull his phone out so immortalize the moment forever, and for possible blackmail use.

"I will beat you until you can't breathe." Dick blurted out without looking and uncaring really as he continued to stroke the kitten's fur, immediately causing Jason to scoff and halt his actions.

 

"And I thought _these two_ were bad." Damian snickered and nodded in distaste.

Dick chuckled in content. "What's wrong with Bob?"

"Besides the fact it's lame af." Tim chuckled as he crossed his arms.

"Says the moron who thought Samn with a silent N was smart." Jason countered.

Dick groaned and shushed them. "I'M CALLING HIM BOB AND THAT'S FINAL!" he whisper-yelled.

 

"Young masters." Alfred suddenly went inside with a tray of snacks. The four scrambled at first but realized it was too late and pointless anyway. But of _frickin_ course Alfred knew about the kittens, evident on his indifferent expression.

"I believe you should all go back to your own rooms in order to seem less suspicious. Your parents will arrive shortly." Alfred spoke, placing his hands on his back.

Jason squinted and sighed, "How long have you known?"

"Ever since young master Damian sneaked out of your room one night." Alfred spoke pursing his lips. Jason groaned and then chuckled. Damian felt disappointed and so he spoke, "Please don't tell."

"Believe me sir, if I wanted to let the cat out of the bag, I would already have."

The four brothers groaned at the pun, making the man laugh all pleased as he then went his way and attended to his chores.

 

Word of the wise, Alfred is always right and he proved just that when he said to tell their mother, _to tell you,_ about it first so you could tell their father, your husband about the new little additions to the family. You was ecstatic to say the least; you were more excited about it than any of your boys were.

"Hi, little baby girl. Aww, I love you too!" you spoke in a high pitched tone as you stroked a kitten's soft fur. You were knelt down on the ground, fully caught up by the small creatures stalking around you. You turned to you sons, "What's her name?"

 _"Armegadon,"_ Damian spoke proudly, making you chuckle. You threw your head slightly back in laughter and nodded, "Of course it is. What a name."

"Hey mom, we have a favor to ask." Jason spoke slowly as he sat down next to his mother. "But before anything else, I want to say I will totally take full, 100% responsibility for it."

You cocked your head to the side as the other kittens started pooling around you, sniffing your foreign scent. You chuckled at all the kittens and your nervous looking sons, Jason looked like he was about to puke, immediately deducting what they were hinting at. You smiled and caressed his right cheek, proceeding to pinch it and coo. "Aww my sweet little Jason, such a good man, such a sweet brother."

"MOOOM!!!" Jason raised his voice and pulled away, wiping his face at the slight stinging. _"Shut up."_ he mumbled softly, cheeks burning red.

You chuckled and gave a face. "Alright. I'll talk to your father about this."

The four boy's faces brightened at your words but as you stood and placed your hands on your hips, you tore a bit of their hope away. "However, don't you boys think you're off the hook just yet. You know the rules of the manor and honestly, I'm quite offended I was the last to know about this."

Just then, Alfred walked in, "Missus Wayne," he called, making you turn to him, away from your sons _oh-no_ faces. "Mister Wayne has arrived."

 

To avoid confusion, you and Bruce have been on a business trip for the past week, which was why Jason gained nerve to take home an entire box of kittens. As he was to remain CEO for an entire seven days, he had made Dick do a mission before hand, hence why his sardines was left unaccounted for, and called in Tim a few times as well, hence why he lost his milk and ended up having to take the bullet for the kittens.

And through the businesstrip that was supposed to ease work up a knotch, Bruce was still as busy as ever, hence why he got home so late today. He told you to go home earlier because the meeting, _ehem, argument_ was not going to be easily straightened out, even by one Bruce Wayne.

"Hey baby," you spoke, placing your hands on Bruce's tense shoulders. He melted in your touch and turned around to kiss you from where he sat on the sofa. He moaned in regard and caught your cheek before pulling away. "Hi."

You smiled, "Did you rough 'em up good?" You walked around the sofa and sat down next to him as he lowly replied, "It was kind of the other way around," only to be pulled on his lap. You chuckle at your sighing husband. You looked at him, fixing his collar, and whispered, "You know the kids are still awake."

He gave a smrik. "I'll knock them out." he chuckled lowly, kissing the skin below my jaw.

 

You chuckled and pushed him off so you could see eye to eye. "I have something to tell you."

He sighed once more and snuggled his head up against the crook of your nape. He mumbled, " _Is it about the kittens."_

You snorted and threw your head back, saying louder than you should, "You know about the kittens."

 _"You know about the kittens!?"_  the voices you waited for echoed your words from the far corner of the room, then came the sound of pushing and stomping after.

Bruce pulled away from you and turned to his rowdy children.

"How long have you known!" Jason whined.

He snorted, "Buddy, I saw you walking down the street with the box of kittens. You're not very incognito when you're that close to the office."

The four boys groaned and you laughed in amusement.

 

"You should buy them collars now." you spoke with a chuckle.

Bruce snickered, slightly annoyed, "Did I say you could keep them?"

You raised a brow and pouted. Then you placed a tender kiss on his lips and gave him a look. _"But they already named them."_

Bruce looked at you with a look of distaste, then sighed het again, looking away. Then quickly, he snapped a look to his family, "If I see them somewhere they shouldn't be..." but if he was to say anything more, the sound of his sons cheering stopped him.

"Thanks _grumpy cat."_ you spoke, making him roll his eyes.

He growled and came close enough to nibble your earlobe, "Don't push it, _kitten."_  


End file.
